Now that Halloween has passed, it’s time to start thinking about the rest of the year’s festivities. Before you hyperventilate, consider my unusual recommendation for managing stress and expectations: rethink your traditions. It might sound radical, but it’s really just a way to focus on what’s most important.

What are the traditions you make sure to keep up with every year? Which ones are most important to you? Are there any you could do without? Which traditions do you maintain so you don’t disappoint someone else?

The traditions that are vitally important to you (not to your mom or your kids—we’ll get to those later) should definitely be part of your holiday plans. But consider how you can hold to the heart of the celebration without knocking yourself out. Think about ways to scale back your big plans, do prep work or cooking ahead of time, or enlist help from others. For example, I can’t do Christmas without a gingerbread house-building party. In my ideal world, I’d make the houses from scratch, prepare all the food, and save my friends from having to clean up. My health and energy levels just won’t allow that, so I’m learning to let go of the details. I buy the houses from Ikea, ask my friends to bring food, and let willing helpers sweep the candy off the floor at the end of the night. I get my gingerbread party, my friends have a great time, and I’m not laid up for a week after the event.

The traditions you keep for others are a little thornier. Look over your list of other people’s traditions and talk to everyone on the list. You may find they don’t care if you make a three-tiered cake enrobed in chocolate ganache, but they go along with it because they think it’s important to you (and because it’s hard to turn down ganache). For the traditions your loved ones care deeply about, ask them what parts are most important to them. Maybe they love making latkes, but would be just as happy eating them with your family of four instead of with all your friends and relatives. Or they love getting the whole family together, but don’t care if they eat pigs in blankets or a four-course meal. Then work with each person to keep the most important parts of their favorite traditions. “With” is the word here—you aren’t single-handedly responsible for upholding traditions. If your mom will be heartbroken if you don’t invite your third cousins once removed to a family gathering, enlist her help with cleaning and cooking. (This is harder with young children, but you can still ask other adults for help.)

Holidays and stress too often go hand-in-hand. Taking a step back from how you’ve always done things can help you reduce your workload and ensure you enjoy your time with family and friends. Keep the most important traditions, but figure out how to capture the spirit without all the work. Let go of the traditions that don’t matter (and try to let go of the expectations of a spotless house and gourmet dinner). Ask for help. Everyone—including you!—should enjoy the celebrations with loved ones. A stressed out host isn’t fun for anyone.